my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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