he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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