omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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