she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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