I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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