I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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