Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
