Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
