From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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