someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
