My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
