The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Randomize
