I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
