can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
