I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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