i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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