I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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