I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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