i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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