Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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