you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
