whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
