Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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