You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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