I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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