I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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