Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
