With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
