so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
