Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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