My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
