he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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