I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
