I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
