I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
