i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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