i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
