I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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