i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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