I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
