i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I had to cum in my sink.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
