Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
