Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize