So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
