I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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