I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
