her vagina looked like bernie madoff
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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