The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
