If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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