If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
