I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
