You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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