At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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