I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
