I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
