true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
