She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
