I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
