uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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