The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
