Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
