Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
