She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
