i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
