piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
