i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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