plz talk dirty to me
I cockslap morals
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
