Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just took my morning after pill in the library
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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