New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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