Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
