she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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