I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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