i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize